DID I EXPERIENCE SPIRITUAL ABUSE?
SOME REPORTED SYMPTOMS

I recommend you first read about strengths recovering toxic group members demonstrate — if you haven't already.

Here I list challenges former toxic group members may face. (Most leave without serious problems.)

"Symptom" lists can be powerful things.

This list of symptoms reported by former toxic group members may be your first hint you may have suffered Spiritual Abuse–related trauma. But it also delivers the news you are not alone. And you can do something about it.

You may feel relief reading this list. It may validate your experiences and feelings that mainstream culture dismisses, denies, or judges. These "symptoms," which some feel shame about, are normal, natural, and human for people leaving toxic groups, abusive churches, or cults.

In other words, you aren't crazy.

You may recognize some symptoms. But you may not attribute them to Spiritual Abuse trauma. You may believe "something's wrong" with you. That you are the only one who suffers this way.

One woman I talked with reported experiencing twitching and involuntary movements a few months after starting Transcendental Meditation. Her doctors treated her for epilepsy. I told her many TMers reported suffering this way. Although she had heard such stories, she never applied them to herself.

We learned in our groups that the techniques, teachings, and leaders were perfect. If meditation or speaking in tongues didn't work for us, we were told we weren't doing it right — or enough. So if there were problems, they must be with us.

We were encouraged to shun people with problems — to avoid their "lack of faith" or bad karma. So we learned to keep problems secret. We never knew that many fellow members experienced similar things.

And, as a double-whammy, most toxic groups encouraged us to shun medical and mental health professionals. If we admitted seeing them, we might be barred from our group or future "courses" or "teachings." Which had the same weight for us as a Catholic being separated from the sacraments.

If we sought help, we risked losing our connection to the only spiritual life we knew.

Please read this lengthy list with an open mind. Many former toxic group members experience none of them. No one experiences them all. I am not describing a "syndrome." Someone might have some similar symptoms without ever having been in a toxic group, abusive church, or cult. People who have experienced any overwhelming trauma — whether from rape, domestic abuse, or active combat — may have similar symptoms.

Having these symptoms does not prove you suffered Spiritual Abuse. But if you spent time in a high-intensity toxic group and find one or more of these symptoms linger long after you left, are holding you back or making it difficult for you to function, you may be suffering from Spiritual Abuse trauma.

And if these challenges are still keeping you from a happy, comfortable, productive life, you may choose to consider seeking help.

depression

• sense of loss
• frequent crying
• unusual shame, guilt, or fear
• suicidal feelings or attempts
• grieving your loss of former group, friends, or family

Grieving up to a year or two after leaving is common. However, on-going or recurrent depression paralyzes some former toxic group members for many years after leaving.

anxiety & post-traumatic stress disorder

• panic or anxiety attacks
• unusual avoidance of difficult people, difficult situations, difficult memories, gatherings of people, or uncomfortable feelings — frequently resorting to meditation, prayer, chanting, or sleep to deal with them
• exaggerated startle reactions
• "flashbacks" of past trauma
• ritualistic behaviors to deal with anxieties
• shakiness
• trembling
• sweating
• cold/clammy hands
• dizziness
• jitteriness
• tension
• racing or pounding heart
• dry mouth
• numbness/tingling of hands, feet, or other body part
• high pulse and/or breathing rate
• nightmares
• dreams of being back in group

overwhelming stress symptoms

• chronic headaches
• muscle aches
• backaches
• asthma
• autoimmune or stress-related disorders: chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, lupus, others
• skin problems
• bowel problems
• unrealistic or excessive worry
• unrealistic fears concerning objects or situations

Former toxic group members may especially avoid people or places that remind them of their group.

Former cult members often don't realize the stress they experience. They became accustomed to unusually high-levels of stress in their groups. Consider taking a stress inventory.

fatigue & sleep disturbances

• uncontrollable, on-going, disabling fatigue; sleeping during the day
• sleep paralysis (often understood as one form of "witnessing sleep")
• night-time hallucinations (hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations, often understood as "visions")
• possibly narcolepsy (See Persinger's research, referenced here)
• unusual over or under sleeping (hypersomnia/insomnia)
• on-going, disabling fatigue

dissociative states

• unusual or frequent staring vacantly into space
• "blissing out" or "spacing out"
• losing moments or hours of time
• losing track of where you are while driving
• not following conversations because you lose track of the thread
• feeling "not real"
• feeling separate from one's body
• pseudo-identity (possessing both cult and non-cult personalities, similar to multiple personality disorder)

Often a friend or family member first notices these symptoms.

cognitive & language problems

• short-term memory difficulties (losing keys, etc.)
• difficulty remembering periods in life, especially from cult
• difficulty remembering names & faces
• concentration difficulties
• focus difficulties, incessant jumping from one thought or action to another, constant activity without accomplishing a goal, distractibility
• difficulty making decisions
• unusual difficulty finding names or words (perhaps related to aphasia or "tip of tongue" experience)
• stuttering
• frequently forgetting in mid-sentence what one is saying
• being aware that others are speaking but not understanding what they are saying
• unusual lack of motivation to speak
• difficulty with reading comprehension (reading passages over & over again without understanding)

eating disorders

• anorexia or bulimia
• binge-eating
• morbid obesity

Eating disorders are frequently unhealthy attempts to re-establish environmental control. High-demand groups, such as cults, steal personal control from members. Members may compensate in an unhealthy way by controlling how much the eat, whether too much or too little.

identity confusion

• uncertainty over one's core values
• sexuality or gender confusion
• uncertain or frequently changing spirituality
• difficulty choosing career
• significantly decreased job or educational performance
• difficulty obtaining or maintaining a job, jumping from job to job
• relocating frequently, to the detriment of the individual
• unstable interpersonal relations
• floating into and out of your cult or other high-demand groups

intimacy issues

• difficulty trusting, inappropriately trusting too much or too little
• difficulty making friendships or getting close to others
• having few or no close friends
• distance from family or friends
• fear of intimacy or commitment
• multiple divorces (frequently attributed to rapid spiritual growth and "outgrowing" one's partner)

thrill-seeking, risk-taking, compulsive pursuits

• workaholism
• alcoholism
• gambling
• promiscuity
• spending sprees
• shoplifting

miscellaneous psychological challenges

• disabling perfectionism, "nothing is ever good enough"
• exaggerated feelings of superiority
• exaggerated feelings of low-self esteem or unworthiness
• derivative narcissism
• difficulty making decisions
• unusual dependency on others
• slowed psychological development (difficulty maturing)
• fear of God's punishment, ill health, financial ruin or other punishment for leaving group
• rigidity of beliefs or rules
• fear you're "going crazy"
• feeling as if others are watching you
• psychosis (most likely an already-present tendency to this disease is triggered by toxic group pressures)
• delusional thinking
• auditory and visual hallucinations
• financial difficulties

See also Margaret Singer, PhD: "Coming out of the Cults,"Post-Cult After Effects."

If you think of other symptoms to add, please write me directly at jmknapp53@gmail.com. Your contribution may help another former member.

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